Effects of Troubled Marriages on kids (A Public Talk delivered by Mrs. Torkwase Kuraun)

Good morning ladies and gentlemen. My name is Torkwase Kuraun. I am here share  a few words with you as couples and parents. I will be talking about the side effects troubled marriages have on our kids. I picked this topic to discuss with you because I know how important our kids are to us, and how much we wish for them to succeed and have good futures. I wish I could talk much more about it, but I have a time limit. Before we get to the main topic for today, I would like to tell you a little about myself. I've been married for 10years with 2 kids who both go to school here. I am a relationship expert and marriage counselor and I have a blog to that effect. I also have an online dating site where I work as a match maker, match making serious minded people who are looking for love and are compatible. I always had interest in counseling and match making long before I got married. I was very good at settling fights between couples, reuniting separated couples, giving my friends tips on how best to handle their relationships. I decided to make it official and become a professional counselor a couple of years back. It's what I enjoy doing, it gives me joy to know that I've impacted positively into the lives of couples and their marriages. That been said, i will like to go straight to the point of why I'm here.

Like I said earlier, our kids are very important to us. And it's because of them we are gathered here today. But there are some mistakes we make or actions we take as parents that affect our kids in the long run, and we are ignorant about it. One of those
mistakes are our behaviours or reactions to our spouse in the presence of our kids. I will list some of these actions and how they affect our kids for you all to know;

(1)First of all, it is very very important that you bring your kids up in a Christian way. Take them to church always and involve them in church activities as much as possible. They should grow up with the fear of God in them. The fear of God helps to curtail the limit to which kids do wrong or go astray. So as parents, that should be our first most approach to parenting our kids.

(2)Abusive spouses: this is not limited to men alone because abuse can be done emotionally and psychologically and not only physical. As a man, if you are always beating up your wife, calling her names, disrespecting her and torturing her, your kids will grow up with that approach to life. The boys will have no respect for women, they will grow up thinking it's okay to beat up a woman, to maltreat a woman. They will not even respect you. The girls will grow up disliking men or expecting the worse from men. Thinking it's okay for a man to mistreat them. It's been on the news a lot these days, how women remain in abusive marriages or relationships until they end up been killed. My kid sister was showing me a picture of a very beautiful lady that remained with her abusive boyfriend until he beat her to death one day. Such girls grew up thinking it's normal for a man to hit me when he's mad, my dad did it too. So they remain with such abusive boyfriends until it costs them their lives sometimes.  And don't think you can secretly hit your wife in the bedroom or call her names behind closed doors so your kids will not notice. Kids are smarter than we think. They see and notice everything. They may not understand what is going on as little kids but before you know it, they are 10years and already figuring everything out. Noticing mummy with a black eye, hearing the shouts coming from mummy and daddy's room. And the same goes for the ladies. You abuse your husband emotionally and psychologically. Calling him names, telling him that he's not man enough. Refusing to keep food for him when you have a misunderstanding. Comparing him to other men that are better than him. Your kids are noticing everything. First of all, they will lose every respect they had for their father. And if the kids have no respect for the man of the house, how will They listen to him when he corrects them for anything they do wrong? Because there are times you need your sons to be advised or talked to by a matured man.

(3)Using your kids as weapons to fight each other. Or involving your kids in your fights by maybe poisoning their mind against your spouse, in other to have them on your side. That is a very wrong and irresponsible move that parents who love their kids should never make. Leave your kids out of your fights. It's bad enough that your are fighting or always quarreling as parents and making the home less conducive to raise your kids. Don't make it worse by dragging them into it no matter what your reason is. Aside affecting the future or the personality of your kids, your fights or inappropriate behaviours also impact their academic lives negatively. Their little minds are worried about the issues at home and how mummy and daddy are always exchanging words or keeping malice. Instead of them to be focused and concentrating on school work. If your kid is doing averagely in school and you are saying, my relationship with my spouse is not affecting them, you could be wrong. That may not be your kid's highest potential, they could be capable of doing better but are limited by all the troubles going on in the house.

(4)Nagging parents: When you parents are always nagging, complaining about every little thing. Your kids grow up not taking you serious, there's no threat, no anger you want to put out that they have not seen or experienced. They could be doing something bad and just be like "Am just going to go ahead with it, after all, mum and dad are just going to shout or nag and am used to that". Your kids should not be able to predict your reaction for the bad things they do. That is why you have to limit the level at which you nag. Don't get me wrong, it is okay to nag and even spank/smack your kids in other to correct them, it's there in the bible; Proverb 13:24, but when you over do it, they become immune to it and don't fear your anger or your reaction any more. Some wrongs our kids do require more love and attention from you, or advice as parents. Some times they act out because you are not giving them the required love and attention. And some times you just have to sit them down and advice them with a calm tone. It's not every time you will raise your voice or use the cane.

(5)Cheating couples: If you are sleeping around, cheating on your spouse and even sleeping out. You do not love your kids as much as you thought you did. These kids are watching and noticing everything. Aside the fact that you could contract all these sexually transmitted diseases and pass on to your spouse and endanger the lives of your kids too. You could even die younger from such diseases and live your kids orphaned. And they are likely to grow up taking after your steps. Kids copy their parents, it's natural. Your kids can grow up hating the idea of marriage as a whole. They don't want to end up with a broken marriage or troubled marriage like their parents.

(6)Not co-parenting: You need to co-parent your kids, that is the best way to train them. Except if you are single parent. You should always agree on one thing as couples and parents. Let the kids know that, if mummy says no chocolates for breakfast, or no new toy if you don't improve on your grades in school, then daddy is on board for the same rules. One parent shouldn't say no to something and the other parent will say yes in an effort to be loved more by the kids. Kids tend to use their parents heads sometimes, so when one parent says no they go to the other parent secretly to ask for the same thing. So if you notice your kids doing that, you can come up with a plan to let only one parent make decisions on the kids' requests. For example, when your son asks for anything, you can refer them to their father or to their mother. Or ask to be sure they have not already asked your spouse for that same favour.

(7)The way you treat your own parents. That is, your kids' grand parents. You can't always disrespect your parents in front of your kids and expect them not to disrespect you. After all, you are teaching them that it's ok to disrespect parents or elders.

(8)Not letting kids be kids: your kids will grow up for sure, but until then. You have to try as much as possible to make sure they act and look like kids when they are young. There is no need for the inappropriate dressing, letting them watch adult movies with you when they should be in their room watching cartoons, letting them make decisions on their own without your supervision. Keep a close eye on the things your kids do and say. Check their phones, rooms and books all the time. To be sure they are not doing anything that is not age inappropriate.

(9)Teach your kids to take their academics seriously. They should know that it's not okay to be average in school. They should always aim for the best.

(10)Don't be too strict with your kids. They should be able to feel free with you enough to confide in you always. When you are too strict with your kids, they keep secrets from you. They could be in trouble and not tell you. They will take decisions concerning their private lives on their own without consulting you. That could lead a lot of kids astray. They need to be able to tell you everything, so that you can lend them your responsible and smart advice so that they can make less mistakes in live. Like I said before, you don't have to shout and nag and beat them about every mistake they make. You are pushing them away if you are in the habit of doing so. Sometimes you can act like their friends and not their parents, talk to them calmly and make them feel comfortable to take every problem and issue they face to you.

With these few points, I hope I've succeeded in changing your ideology about some mistakes we make as parents. I hope to have this opportunity again to talk to you all about how best to act in our marriage for a better and peaceful marriage and for the good of our kids. Thank you.